Subway Etiquette 101

Subways are like onions, to borrow a simile from Shrek (hmmm. how low our concept of artistic comparatives sinks once we have children). Now, literally, they can smell like onions, but I was thinking that in a more abstract sense. There are layers of unspoken rituals, rules, and above all, appropriateness that must be understood if one is to properly utilize this labyrinthine transportation tool...

In light of this, I would like to introduce a newcomer's "Thou Shalt Not _____ on the Subway" list. Simply take any of the following and insert it into the blank provided for you, and wham! You have peeled another layer of the onion and are on your way to a Zen-tastic subway experience. I have personally experienced all of the following in my short commuting experience here in the Big Apple, so this is only one man's perspective.

These are listed in no particular order, as I would like to give the reader the opportunity to insert him/herself into this little moral equation, and you will be able to use your own prejudgements, pet peeves, petty annoyances, gag reflex inducers, or phobias to prioritize. In fact, I encourage you to add to the list. Perhaps I missed something truly gross or astonishing!

Remember, our mantra is "Thou Shalt Not _____ on the Subway." Here we go:

Sit in the seat RIGHT NEXT to someone when you are one of two people in the whole car

Ride after profusely drinking (unless you have an assortment of plastic bags handy)

Transport excessively smelly take out esp. when leaking or dripping

(For above, also see fresh fish and soft, ripened cheeses)

Drink a hot beverage from a cup sans lid during rush hour

Have a severe illness involving large amounts of phlegm, coughing or spasms of any sort

(Kind of goes with the above) Be without Kleenex

Knowingly be a bit gassy (or more than a bit)

Read over another's shoulder if one has extreme halitosis

Get on the train until the ones departing have exited

Attempt to move large boxes or furniture

Paint one's fingernails

Sing ABBA songs (that one's okay I suppose; who doesn't really like ABBA deep down?)

"Can you hear the drums Fernando?

I remember long ago another starry night like this,

In the firelight Fernando,

You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar,

I could hear the distant drums,

And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar..."

Any-hoo, that's all I have time for today, kids. Hope you will put on your creative thinking caps and see what other surprising elements you can add to my list. I was purely dealing with the bodily function and 5-senses version of this, but I'm sure you can add some X-factor or more intangibles to this list. Go crazy, include bus riding, carpooling, biking (i.e. never ride right behind the guy you know had Mexican food for lunch), etc. The possibilities are endless and I have faith in all of you.

Until next posting, be safe on them rails, wear a spacesuit!

CS

There's Quite a Future in Pork Bellies

Sometimes things just lend themselves to individual interpretation. Sometimes things just beg to be questioned. Sometimes, you just can't let something go without acute analysis of its meaning.

I see your curiosity is piqued and you have decided to read on. And so begins our very short tale. As we were mosey-ing our way to the Museum of Natural History in Manhattan, we ran across a message from The Fourth Universalist Society in Central Park West. Now, as we did not have time to attend this riveting service, I was forced to draw my own conclusions regarding its cryptic meaning...and in no particular order, here they are:

One: This is a reference to the obscure, but meaningful "Jesus and the Three Little Pigs"

Two: The Last Supper was "Atkins Friendly"

Three: Wall Street is using unfair tactics to increase the price of Pork Bellies

No disrespect meant to The Universalists, but you can't just put something like that on your marquis and not expect someone to grease your wheels a bit. And who says The Divine is without a sense of humor???

Short n' Sweet

Well, here goes the first posting from "The Concrete Sage," my clever new handle bonding together, forever, wide open Nevada spaces with the concrete jungle of NYC. My hope is that you all can share in a bit of the Sage's adventures as he and his Team assimilate into their new home. The Sage also hopes you will join him each for each new tale of wit, wonder, woe or whatevah!

Here's The Sage at the beach, feelin' a little like sand could be kicked in his face at any time by the rest of the playground kids. That's cuz he talks about himself in the 3rd person...but he's tall in vocab if not in stature...